THE SKEPTIC

What is it in for me in this life? Sometimes we come to a part in our lives that we wonder about and question our very own existence. Sounds familiar? I think it's that major thing also known as midlife crisis. Too advanced for a guy like me eh? This usually comes by around 40 but things do come early for me (like my thinning hair, hehe! Pun intended).
Take how it has been as for my experience and maturity for instance, I've had it for so many times already and mind you, I am deeply overwhelmed. It sometimes pays to be ahead of some people but this is way out of hand and of my league. I'm getting too much of a beating and it is traumatizing. If every experience were visibly scarring, I'd be a walking keloid! Believe me, you don't wanna empathize. In these instances, I can't help but go to the line where I question my faith. I ask why it's this and that, I rationalize and I end up dazed about the core reason why I walk this earth. Why do we suffer to taste only a meager bit of happiness? Bittersweet is the word. But then I ask, maybe life wouldn't be worth living for if it isn't because of these obstacles? Maybe. Escape or even suicide doesn't even sound convincing. Life would be a total waste. Is life worth all the turmoil? I ask. I think. I wonder. And I’m left out with unanswered queries. I always end up empty handed. Why am I here? What reason do I have for living? What is my mission? What can my contribution be in this already damned humanity? Forgive my blasphemy but I just can't help it. Life for me can be too much to handle, especially with these small hands destined to play a miniscule part in this lifetime. Will I be able to deliver? God, help me...
Sometimes, someone with a Type A personality like me can get overly excited. And I worry, way too much. As for me right now, every tomorrow lets me get a front row peak of hope and that I'll end up having a satisfying life. And that every morning I wake up is another chance for redemption and self-preservation. I have my fingers crossed and in me is a silent prayer that things in this life will be all in our favor. Long live my optimistic alter ego!

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

Has it always been this way? Sorry but I beg to differ.

4 months & counting, I’m technically celibate, except for the occasional self service proving the weight of giving in to one's physiologic needs. May it be because I'm bitterly single right now, or nobody wants me? Or maybe, I'm just too stubborn nowadays that I can't let go of a benchmark?

Miserable. Desperate. Frustrated. Alone. Lonely? Maybe most of the time. Besides when I'm with friends' company but then misery needs friendship much more too often than not. Sleepless nights and agitated days have been leaving traces on my calendar like skid marks. Actually, things are becoming more like overkill.

I'm just devastated in the moment. And people just wonder what's up. I always come up with a straight face but deep inside I'm dying, barely breathing, hanging by a damn thread of a life...Do I need someone right now? Maybe. Maybe not. Depends if that person can help me or will just blind me with white lies and prepares me for another trip six feet under. Expecting too much is a diagnosis I've been greatly judge with. I need to resist it but the hopeless romantic in me just brings it on oh so naturally. That, I need work on to. Note on my to-do list.

I've tried all the available routes and always ended up on dead ends or detours. Sometimes I wonder what's out there waiting for me. Shall it be in my favor or shall I end losing one turn & and let sanity leave me catching my breath again.

Being alone doesn't mean being lonely. It's a joke. Half true, that is. It make me feel dead sometimes but on the other end, it gives me precious time to rethink my options and straighten out my strategy. Even my act. I get too lonely most of the time that I cry myself until I daze off to never never land. Life has left me too much scars that licking each one of them brings me certain perspectives. I don’t really see it as detrimental. Call me crazy but hey, I have to make do with what I have.

I'm here on the couch noting this on my phone. It's bittersweet. Thanks to the company of my Red Horse and Marlboros. Call me drunk and addicted but they're better off as friends than anybody can. No worries or rants coming from their mouths and snouts.

Just like I always say... now is hibernation time. I'm taking in each and every bit of it to recharge myself, just to be really ready for that grand day - that I'll be the hopeful romantic I am. Lucky would that someone be... The best he can ever have is sulking just right here, in his cocoon. Please bear with me... Wait until I come out, when I'm sincerely ready. And hope you are too. By that time, not only will I before dear old me, but for you too.

Bad Habits

marlboros
one pack per day
smoke from fire
scare off my secret monsters

san miguels
bottles of light
fluid epitome of a patron
lead me to my sober state

starbucks
cool venti espresso
big spirited dreams
keep me over sanity's thread

lovers
full of worldly desires
bruises, breaks, bleeds
make me a heart of stone

fire, water, air, earth
elements of my life
things I can't get enough
but I just never learn

ALTERNATIVE THERAPY

Not too far from being sane.

Yes that is true. with my recent personal turmoils, it's really hard to tell apart from my madness and neurosis. I've been celibate for as long as I can remember but thanks to my kids in the academe who have been keeping me busy lately: lectures, exams, grades and extraculicular (wholesome ones, that is) activities. Whew!

The recent run of the mill that I've been through is this year's Nurses' Week and our Creative Teaching Competition. I supported the group by being the musical , co - choreographer and over - all director. It's been all a headcahe shuffling from legit work and the preparations for the event. Everything has been a sacrifice from my part and the kids as well.

And guess what the turn - out was. We won 1st place! What a rumble! Fulfillment is sweet and I'm still bathing myself in the limelight and the feeling. Wow...

SEASONS UPDATE

SEASONS

Swoosh!

I didn’t know hat just hit me.

Once in a while, pages in life turn from one leaf to another. Time goes by so fast but along the way, do I find time to pick up pieces of my life and somehow get them back together?

It’s been a while since the last time I posted here. Things happen in fast forward mode with more static that fancy pictures and sound effects on the tube. I’ve been taken aback by time and now I take a while to sit and ponder on how things have been quite light and shitty at the same time.

I’m currently working as an Instructor for Medical Surgical Nursing in Metropolitan Hospital College of Nursing, Sta. Cruz, Manila. Yes, I am not an Emergency Nurse anymore. You may ask why. Well, being too toxic here in the Philippines with only a meager amount of compensation is not worth my timelines. Plus no doctor homophobe dickhead can keep me from being myself. Now, I find solace in the company of my students and a thousand pages of lecture and exam papers to check.

It has been a really hard decision, giving up hospital experience for the academe. But I saw it as a chance to enrich myself with education and a saving grace from my rotting situation with Dr, Geof-ain In The Ass. All has been a therapeutic experience and I think I’m getting the hang of it.

But what about my heart’s situation? Some people come and go and most prove themselves to be worthless. But I’m all deep… if you’re reading this, you know who you are… I love you so much baby…

After all the heartache, I find myself back in your arms as always. And even if I have the world’s back on me… you’re always there… and I’ll always do the same: whatever season it may be – happy, sad, none or so-so.

THE NEW S13 CAST! [Photo courtesy of Survivor Phoenix. CBS rights apply.]

SURVIVOR 13 COOK ISLANDS ON THIS SPETEMBER 15, 2006 1300H 2 STUDIO 23. And im'ana be watching...

Done It!

ANYTHING GOES IN HERE

It’s only been a while since my last relationship. Sure I cried. Sure do miss him. But where do I end up if I continue living in what seems to be an endless parade of discontentment and lust for a smooth sailing and fulfilled commitment which suddenly didn’t start to surface?

I’ve been there, done that. I’ve had relationships left and right, up and down and anything beyond the imaginable. I’ve searched in places not known to most – net, cruise areas, bath houses, cinemas, school, workplace and wherever. But to no avail, my efforts seem useless. I seem to look for something and I still can’t find it. I might be too idealistic or perfectionist at that. But is it too much to ask for anything?

The line has been endless. I’ve met like moe than a hundred in my life, spent moments and faces come and go. Their lives haven’t touched me, I’ve only grown weary, colder. I am not saying that I haven’t gotten anything from my experience but such have only numbed me with the bitterness that there is in life.

I sometimes am on the verge of giving up. But everything is just a cycle… I form a relationship – I’m hopeful. You feel happy for a while. When everything goes down the lavatory, I feel helpless – hopeless. After a while I remain single, I recharge then I’m hopeful again. And the circle goes on. Somehow, human nature does fill the concrete. There is the feeling of eternal emptiness, that when you get what you want you’ll want more - discontentment. Another is libido which strains passion and time and space form each side which can sometimes complicate things. Then there is hopefulness, that somehow, someday, maybe…

I have a lot to squirm about - my job, my bed, my current financial status, sex, singleness, love, life. There is angst and only a few people understand me. I am thankful to them though. I still have my friends.

Right now, my body is sore from the all the workout that I have – only to please others more than myself. What a hypocrite I am. I love how things are shaping up anyway. But I still can’t believe that homosexuality also has its unwritten bureaucracy. I think I have no other choice but to live with it. Because at the bottom of it all, I am still, all the way, gay.

Not a lot can live with that, or worse with me. But I gotta go on thumping in with life… I only have the vaguest idea with what I can have in life but somehow, my fire still flickers. I only need someone to ignite it into roaring flames. But until then, I’ll try carrying it on like a real soldier that I should be. While I’m at it, I’ll get all the pounding I can take, so that by the right time I’ll be better for that someone better.

SURVIVOR CALENDAR JANUARY V2.0

SURVIVOR CALENDAR FEBRUARY V2.0

FAST FINISH: ROBIN COOKS' OUTBREAK / MORTAL FEAR / MUTATION

JUST READ: ROBIN COOK'S ACCEPTABLE RISK

MY SURVIVOR NOVEMBER CALENDAR!

SURVIVIR PALAU OCTOBER CALENDAR!

SEPTEMBER CALANDAR FOR SURVIVOR

AUGUST CALENDAR: SURVIVOR ALL-STARS

MY SURVIVOR CALENDAR FOR JULY

SURVIVOR JUNE CALENDAR

SURVIVOR MAY CALENDAR

SURVIVOR CALENDAR FOR APRIL

SURVIVOR CALENDAR: MARCH

SURVIVOR CALENDAR FEBRUARY by Russel de Lara

SURVIVOR CALENDAR: JANUARY that I just finished...

New Cast: Survivor 12 Panama Exile Island

latest read: ROBIN COOK's Chromosome 6

CAN"T BE WITHOUT YOU BABY

Be Without You

Mary J. Blige

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

Oooo (oh, oh, oh, oh) oooo

Chemistry was crazy from the get-go

Neither one of us knew why

We didn't build nothing overnight

Cuz a love like this takes some time

People swore it off as a phase

Said we can't see that

Now from top to bottom

They see that we did that (yes)

It's so true that (yes)

We've been through it (yes)

We got real sh** (yes)

See baby we been...

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)

And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)

Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel

Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it

Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby

I got a question for ya

See I already know the answer

But still I wanna ask you

Would you lie? (no)

Make me cry? (no)

Do somethin' behind my back and then try to cover it up?

Well, neither would I, baby

My love is only your love (yes)

I'll be faithful (yes)

I'm for real (yes)

And with us you'll always know the deal

We've been...

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)

And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)

Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel

Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it

Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby

See this is real talkI'm always stay (no matter what)

Good or bad (thick and thin)

Right or wrong (all day everyday)

Now if you're down on love or don't believe

This ain't for you (no, this ain't for you)

And if you got it deep in your heart

And deep down you know that it's true (come on, come on, come on)

Well, let me see you put your hands up (hands up)

Fellas tell your lady she's the one (fellas tell your lady she's the one, oh)

Put your hands up (hands up)

Ladies let him know he's got your love

Look him right in his eyes and tell him

We've been...

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)

And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)

Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel

Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it

Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby

Heeeeeeeeeeeey

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh

Heeeeeeeeeeeey

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

ER LAGUNA OUTING '05

E.R. LAGUNA OUTING '05

CODE NAME: ER SHOUT-OUT BUTTON

my hospital, my division, my departmant

AVISALA 2006!

It has just been an hour since I ate some fatty amounts of crispy pata and a few doses of Gin-Lemon – a few things I plan to dish off any time now. In exactly thirty five minutes, it’s another new year ahead of me.

At the moment, I feel nostalgic. I am technically alone in Manila here inside this 6-person capacity room, on my bed. With just the radio playing, in the company of my ever-loyal Marlboro’s, with the sounds and lights of fireworks courtesy of the friendly neighborhood I never actually got to meet, a million pieces of thoughts running through my head. For twenty three years, I have been used to having my holiday seasons with my folks back home. But somehow, people do grow old and I in particular may have started maturing through time.

How do I plan to start this year? A new year’s resolution maybe? I don’t really believe in such, even if I’ve always had a few every year. Probably just a security blanket that always gets robbed off even before I reach the mid-year. I do want to do a lot of things – finish off my MDH – ER contract, take my masterals, have my NCLEX and IELTS done and love Ruel My Baby more, among other things.

Right now, “EVER AFTER” by Bonnie Bailey is on the radio. I’m having goose bumps, I feel real mushy and hell, I’m revved up. Why? Because I remember my baby again… tears slide down my cheeks. I just miss him right now. I’ve had my first Christmas away from my loved ones and I’m just more than glad to celebrate it with him, even if it took him to travel all the way from his province, on a holiday that is. I have to admit that it was the best Christmas I’ve ever had in my entire life. “You are my twisted sunshine…” goes the song. Wishing to spend more blessed love with you baby.

My MDH contract started last April fourth of this year and it expires by 2007. I’ve learned to love my work, especially the people that I work with besides the great ordeal I had to go through to finally be accepted with who I am and what I can offer (even if some still don’t and I hate them just the same anyway). I’ve learned a lot and the lessons support my life long dream of working in the U.S. as a nurse. That’s why I plan to take my State Board Exam and English Proficiency Exam by the next year. This then, giving me the dilemma of whether to take that path or otherwise – take my masterals and be a Clinical Instructor here. Only God know what will happen.

After the Magic 89.9 year ender countdown, I’ll be off to the ER to celebrate the New Year’s Eve celebration. With me will be my uniforms for my AM duty. No sleeping in my to-do list again – the one thing that I actually despise to do. If only the human body can accommodate life with sleeplessness, I’d sweetly indulge in the no-shut-eye policy. But hey, I’m one among the human race.

By next year, I plan of buying a new phone (finally, after a few months of mobile-lessness) to keep connected with my love, my family and people close to me; a television set to watch my favorite SURVIVOR before it starts this February 2 and other Kapuso shows; an I-POD nano to keep me company, musically that is and a flat iron so I won’t be bugging my board mates again. Talk about long term, maybe a laptop, a pad or a car maybe… haha! My mind can’t just stop… But I guess I have to start somewhere – cost cutting and learning how to save!

Looking back, it has been a satisfying year for 2005. I got work, learned sufficing my needs alone and finally finding a worthy of celebrating love life. Regrets? I have none. If it weren’t for the shit and pile loads more of them along the way, I wouldn’t be where I am now. You simply just learn from hard falls face – first, stand up and keep going. I have learned a lot and if I may say, I have grown and still continue to mature.

I still have my STEPS TO LIFE self – made poster on my wall and I plan to stick to my own rules. So this year would mean more gym-busting-and-iron-pumping, lifestyle watch, cost efficiency, sweaty love making and God-centeredness. May this year be fruitful, blessed, safe, healthy, prosperous and full of life. AMEN!!!

EVER AFTER FOR MY BABY

1

Three years ago, my journey began

Chasing down with you, no plan in hand

Just your pulse, my raising guide in the dark

Just no win with conviction from the start

2

The moment your eyes made an introduction

I found my second value in the breath of life

Flawless to the point of being cuddly

I fell all for, your imperfections

[chorus]

And now it’s like the weather is slightly warmer

Hands gripped together, eye to eye through the storm, yeah

I still believe in ever after, with you

Cause life is a pleasure with you by my side

And there ain’t no pourin', in this rainbow weekend ride

I still believe in ever after, with you

3

Nothing compares to the good times

Feels like were floating when the rest have to climb

You made me believe in love and all the perfect kind

A real messy beautiful twisted sunshine

4

Emotions I gave it eruptions

We both still care, so it’s still alive

Tunnel vision, determination

I want you; I want to make it right

[chorus]

You are my twisted sunshine

You are my twisted sunshine

[chorus]3x

CLUSTERED SENTIMENTS

And all dreams maybe coming true (my fingers are crossed…).

It was a Saturday afternoon when my lover Edric got off from his seminar from Cavite. I was actually drunk and asleep when he got to my boarding house. With everything of mindless paranoia that happened within the past few days, I was so reved up to see him. Feeling light-headed and unsober, I hurried downstairs to meet the person that I so adore.

Edric is this person so sincere (I hope...) about how he feels for me and it is a first time that someone tells me how much he likes me (which reminds me of how it has always been me doing the reverse). He is so attentive of me and of pleasing me. At first I was in awe yet unparticular of the instance but I was getting the hang of it. (Once your reading this, please don’t let it spoil how much you love me.) I think I’m actually digging it.

Since I was so heedful of how we should spend the insufficient time, wanting to take each moment last and somehow make things last longer than any lingering second, I even passed on doing my unlaundered uniforms and acknowledged the fact that I can always count on Laundry Bin (Hehe!)

Every encounter proved to showcase overflowing passion. One in my room while outcasting other roommates attested to my carefree and adventurous nature (kinky…). The cuddling within the dimmed confines of The Exorcism of Emily Rose was a fantasized prelude to every enchanted air of our regaled love affair. And the hotel check-in was far more than any lovers’ dream that fans (pun intended...) every forlorn minute wasted for not having us in each other’s arms. In any way or another, any form of expressing your longing for someone is comparative to an abandoned child yearning for its mother’s love and nurture.

Spelling fun in every moment consumed while dissecting each other’s mind and soul proved to be a worthwhile experience in keeping the grounds of our relationship solid. It is like feeding yourself with each other’s fervor to keep yourself full from the bottom of your heart until it drowns you in nirvana (better than my plateful of Lauriat or yours of Breakfast Danguit nor my solemn midnight crash on Beef Steak).

But I have to face the hard truth that between you and me are miles of uncharted roads and unparalleled emptiness that dwell in every cold countless nights. Notwithstanding the ache that pains me everytime we bid out momentary Goodbyes are the hopes that in one time or another we’ll both gush on each other’s Hellos. I obscure with the sight of your departure but my love for you make you an Incognito within my selective span of vision.

These feelings…

True,

Sncere,

Hopeful,

Empowering,

Hold me with dear life as I finally surrender my life for you in deliverance.

Just please keep your promise of endless possibilities in the realm that we have built around us (and both our wrists, too!).

I let you love me and I trust to do the same.

I'll see you real soon, Hun.

THANK YOU: AN OPEN LETTER

I was on for the night duty yesterday. It started quite fine and benign. Then all of a fucking sudden, this “kano” piece of shit barges in, idiotic and drunk telling us lies that his inutile mind don’t even understand. He accompanied a prostitute who claims to have drunk poison added to her alcoholic beverage. They then wanted to have blood extracted from her to determine the poison. Like any hospital could have that, else ours don’t. Then they tell us that we refused! Fuck these silly bitches! When she sobered up, she’d be embarrassed to find out that they’ve all been dumb all along. Thanks for the disturbance.
Impression: I WANTED THEM DEAD!

Earlier that day, before I slept and went on to work, I had some talk with Edric over the payphone which caused me like near 50 bucks. I was so damn furious! I wanted him near me but circumstances won’t let it till this weekend. He was able to make compromises before, why not at that moment. This then made me ponder where things may have gone wrong again. Was it because I called in to disturb his sleep? Or was I being too demanding? Too selfish? Or had he just I realized that I was an asshole? Has he gotten the best of me? I don’t know. I might be desperately insane. He can’t even thank me for that damn call! ARGHHH!!! Am in on the right track? Are we? There goes my frustrated self. On the optimistic side, am I feeling this because I may have the same feeling that he has?
Rain check: NO EMAILS YET…

Today, as if that wasn’t enough to drain my brains out, I was too tired that I wanted to sleep more than I wanted to gouge my eyes out for my disdain. I was supposed to attend a seminar at the hospital. I was supposed to attend an afternoon meeting. I was supposed to go to Divisoria with some staff to buy decors. All of which didn’t even materialized because I intentionally busied myself with a shut-eye – for the reason that I wanted to rejuvenate and go on to love myself. So after waking up, I got my head shaved (again!), bought a Men’s Health magazine and went to the gym.
Verdict: SELF – LOVE EQUALS NO HASSLES!

Here in front of you is a life of a nomad with nowhere to go or any uncertainty as to where this life leads me. I have an attitude of trying to stand up again from a fall, to treat my own wounds, to start again from nothing but this has caused me more than I can take. This is slowly turning me into a stone – nonchalant. If this may be so… I just don't give a damn.

PHASES

Russel de Lara po, Kapuso!

THE KAPUSO THAT I AM...

GMA Network

GMA Network, Inc. (Global Media Arts Network Incorporated) is a leading broadcast network in the Philippines. It provides news and entertainment programs through its 44 fully-owned television relay stations, three affiliate television stations and 34 radio stations throughout the country.

Its headquarters, the GMA Network Center, is located in Diliman, Quezon City, Philippines. Atty. Felipe Gozon is its Chairman and CEO.

History

GMA Network traces its origin to June 14, 1950 when American war correspondent Robert Stewart (also known as Uncle Bob) sent his first radio transmission through his AM station, then known as the Republic Broadcasting System at the back of a bakery. A decade after the station's launch, the Stewarts ventured in the realm of Television. On October 29, 1961, RBS Channel 7 started its operations with a used transmitter and two cameras. The channel aired canned shows from the United States.

In the 1970s, Stewart was forced to cede majority control to Gilberto Duavit, a Malacañang official, Menardo Jimenez and Felipe Gozon. Through the acquisition, the channel now was able to broadcast in color and changed its name from RBS to GMA, which meant Greater Manila Area, the geographic location of the station where it could broadcast, although RBS remained its corporate name for years to come. But some people speculate that President Ferdinand Marcos changed its name due of being the one of the television networks that existed before the Martial Law. When the smoke cleared, viewers had channels two, nine and thirteen, ran by Benedicto, four, which belonged to the Ministry of Information, and Duavit's. (Pinoy, 97)

When Benigno Aquino, a senator who strongly opposed the Marcos administration, was assassinated in 1983, it was a small item on television news. During his historic funeral procession, GMA gave ten seconds of airtime. With the assassination of Aquino, the iron grip that the Marcos administration had on television began to slip, as GMA broadcasted the funeral, the only station to do so.

In 1984, Imee Marcos, daughter of Ferdinand Marcos, attempted to takeover GMA, just as she did with the Benedictos. However, she was foiled by GMA executives, Menardo Jimenez and Felipe Gozon. Stewart left the Philippines for good as he was utterly disappointed with the Marcos move.

In 1987, it opened its high-end live studio, the Broadway Centrum, boosting its local programming, and inagurated its 77-footTower of Power, the tallest manmade structure in the country in 1988. GMA also was the first Television station in the Philippines to use Electronic News Gathering Vans.

International reach became GMA's target in the 1990s, which it began through the Rainbow Satellite launched on April 30, 1992. Through its relay stations, GMA programs were seen across the archipelago and Southeast Asia. GMA has started airing in 60 American cities and parts of South America through the International Channel Network. GMA was also the official broadcaster of the 1995 World Youth Day, which was the last visit of Pope John Paul II to the country. During the same year, GMA launched a UHF channel, Citynet 27, and the news program, Saksi with Mike Enriquez and Karen Davila. In 1996, GMA formally changed its corporate name to GMA Network Incorporated. The acronym was also changed to Global Media Arts. GMA was the first Philippine broadcaster to win the Peabody Award for Investigative Journalism in 1999. Later, Citynet 27 becomes EMC, the first locally programmed music video channel. It later became Channel V Philippines when it struck an agreement with Star TV to localize the said music channel. Channel V, however, ceased operations due to the conflict of interest between the owners of GMA, which was then being considered by PLDT, who handles MTV Philippines thru NBC, one of its subsidiaries.

The Kapuso Network

In 2002, the GMA Network engaged in a rebranding program in line with its goal to become the leader in providing local news and entertainment. It changed its logo and slogans to reflect its new corporate identity but still incorporating its identity as the "Rainbow Network". The new brand consisted of a red, stylized heart logo, with a band of different colors representing the rainbow. In tune with the new logo, the new slogan was "Kapuso, Anumang Kulay ng Buhay" ("One in Heart, Regardless of the Colors of Life"). In 2003, Saksi won the New York Festival Gold Medal for best newscast, the first Philippine newscast to do so. This, and the Peabody Award in 1999, earned GMA a House of Representatives commendation in 2003.

In 2003, GMA Network, withdrawn its membership from the Kapisanan ng mga Brodkasters ng Pilipinas (KBP), after incidents involving host Rosanna Roces, alleged commercial overloading and interfering when news anchor Mike Enriquez. aired his complaints over radio against Lopez-owned cable firm SkyCable's distortion of GMA's signal on its system, and a lost videotape containing evidence that the cable firm had violated the rule on soliciting ads for cable TV.

Changes were apparent in the programming of the network. The production of various shows were up to par with its rival network, ABS-CBN. And with launch of the Fantaserye Mulawin in 2004, GMA finally gained a rating advantage in Mega Manila over ABS-CBN. By the end of 2004, GMA was one of the most profitable companies in the country. During the same year, GMA launched a new primetime news program, 24 Oras.

In 2005, GMA began broadcast of Mars Ravelo's Darna a favorite comic book character among Filipinos and became a big hit, with its ratings being the highest ever for a pilot episode for GMA. Other primetime programs like Encantadia and Sugo also maintained the network's lead in its Mega Manila ratings during the year. The company’s subsidiary, Citynet Inc., has signed a co-production and blocktime greement with Zoe Broadcasting, allowing the GMA Network with another platform to showcase its programming and talents. In November 11, 2005, Zoe Broadcasting's VHF station, DZOE-TV Channel 11, went on the air as QTV. QTV stands for Quality Television, and broadcasts show that primarily targets women audiences. QTV's news programs share the same resources of GMA News and Public Affairs, while some programs are produced by Citynet Inc.

The GMA Network Center

GMA inaugurated its new GMA Network Center facility on June 14, 2000 as part of the kick-off of its year-round celebration of its 50th anniversary. The GMA Network Center supports GMA's thrusts towards digitalization and media convergence. While the first phase of the project has already been completed with the construction of the 17-storey high-rise, the center has an option to upgrade the older, existing facilities in the GMA compound, as originally planned. The network center is equiped with MARC and a Broadcast Automation System that allows the network to manage live feeds and international feeds that will be carried out to GMA Pinoy TV subscribers around the world. The GMA compound has five studios, three of which are in the new network center, and two in the older structures. The Center serves as the Corporate Headquarters for the network and also houses the radio and the newsroom.

Owned Entities

Subsidiaries
RGMA Network, Inc. (RGMA)
GMA Network Films, Inc. (GMA Films)
GMA Worldwide, Inc. (GMA Pinoy TV)
Alta Productions Group, Inc.
GMA Records (Infiniti Music)
GMA Kapuso Foundation
GMA New Media Inc. (NMI)
Scenarios, Inc.
INQ7 Interactive, Inc. (INQ7)

Channels

Quality TeleVision Channel 11
Citynet also known as Channel V Philipines
Divisions
GMA Entertainment TV Group
GMA KiliTV
GMA Asianovelas
Dramarama
GMA Telebabad
GMA News and Public Affairs
GMA Artist Center

GMA Pinoy Television Worldwide

Malaysia
Japan
Guam/Saipan
Mainland USA and Hawaii

Slogans

Where You Belong - Used in the late 1970s and was used for the next 20 years.
In the service of man, for the glory of God. - Corporate slogan
Kapuso, Anumang Kulay ng Buhay - First used in 2002 with the re-branding of the network.
55 years na tayo, Kapuso! - Released in 2005 for its 55th aniversary.
Iba ang Tibok 'pag Kapuso - Released in Summer 2005
Kapuso, No. 1 tayo - Released in 2005, for surpassing its rival network in Mega Manila ratings.
Kapuso ng Bawat Pilipino - Released in 2005, after the launch of its international channel.

Services

Quality TeleVision
Quality TeleVision Channel 11 is the newest television network powered by the GMA Network, Inc. It is subsidiary of Zoe Broadcasting network, Inc.(ZOE-TV) which is a christian network by Eddie Villanueva. And now, It produces programs that is targeted for families all over the Philippines. Its shows also focuses on Filipino women all over the country. QTV: Kwento Natin 'to!

IGMA.tv
www.iGMA.tv is the GMA Network official website. Run by New Media Inc., it features content and information regarding the network, as well as several interactive features. iGMA.tv also offers its site to cellphones; via wap.igma.tv.

INQ7 Interactive Inc.
INQ7 Interactive Inc. is a joint online multimedia news and information delivery company of the GMA Network and the Philippine Daily Inquirer. Text, images, audio, video, and online interactive information tools such as discussion boards, online polls, searchable news databases, and others are made available through the two companies’ joint website, accessible at www.INQ7.net. Ranking No. 11 in the 100Hot’s most-read online newspapers in the world, INQ7.net is owned by the Inquirer and GMA with both companies each owning abour half of INQ7.

Kapuso JobMarket
In partnership project of GMA, The Philippine Daily Inquirer, INQ7 Interactive Inc. and New Media Inc., The Kapuso JobMarket was launch which aims to provide convenience for job seekers by creating another off-line service that will help them search for employment opportunities using their mobile phones.

Programming
GMA Network programs include news and current affairs shows, documentaries, dramas, dubbed foreign serials, entertainment news and talk shows, game shows, variety shows, musicals, sitcoms, children's shows, anime shows, fantasy and reality shows. Most of its shows are broadcasted from the GMA Network Center.

Partnerships

Programming
Mexico (Televisa)
South Korea (Munhwa Broadcasting Corporation and SBS (Korea))
Philippines (ZOE TV, MTV Philippines)
Japan (Nippon TV)
USA (CBS, FOX, Walt Disney Company)
Taiwan (TTV)
Malaysia (MiTV and Red Communications Sdn Bhd for the rights of 3R )
Middle East (Orbit Satellite Television with Nora Eastern Corporation) (Coming soon)
Media

Philippines (Philippine Daily Inquirer)
International (Reuters and BBC)
Film

USA (Warner Bros.)
Philippines (Regal Films for the Mulawin the Movie)

Interactivity
Philippines (Philippine Daily Inquirer)

RESUSCITATED

Eight hundred twenty hours.

Exactly thirty minutes ahead my hospital’s call time (a potent trick to ward off my constant tardiness). Devastating how I feel air-headed after a night of Harry Potter – madness and Coffee Jelly Frapuccino and long hours of desperate measures to update my nearly endangered love and sex life.

Eight months and counting since I last had an affair (unsure if I really ever had that last one) and celibacy have started to crawl up on me, funny how my girl friends contemplate on how things turned upside down so easily. It has only been a while since I’ve been so promiscuous and they, always swept away from their feet with love and now what? The tables have been turned.

Being single can be a torture and a blessing at the same time. I have spent countless nights sulking in the humdrum of my daily hospital routine and worse come to worse I come home tired, without even anybody to come hope to. Single. Argh! But then times like these shy me away from the toxicities of one night stands, orgies (yikes!), and bathhouses and the cruelties of having to think if your lover still have his 100% guaranteed loyalties to you. I have enjoyed the latter effects of my single blessedness. Was it enough?

Why have I come to that part anyway? I don’t know. It maybe because I have become tired of licking my own wounds, these tragedies of love have wreaked havoc to my ego and ability to believe in love. I have always been a hopeful romantic but I may have become the perfect opposite - hopeless. All this time I have become afraid to go over the run of the mill rollercoaster ride again and again. So I’ve created my invisible walls to somehow trap myself from the rude aftertastes of love and relationships. For eight months I have been partly successful of doing so but it may have severed me with a boomerang effect. I was never happier (the masochist in me starts to breath in life…) but I just don’t want to hurt anymore!

Love, bittersweet as it may be, is addictive equal to the royalties (and otherwise) my crony of Marlboros offer. Recently, I watch and stare at other gay couples. I was pretending to be unaffected but all the while, I stand nostalgic to the feeling.

It’s actually not that I have totally closed my doors to the possibilities of venturing into new relationships. Its just that lately, I’ve tried to focus more on work and somehow pretend that love can not exist and I may have become mindless (or heartless) of the matter. Hoping that in one way or another, it will just come by my way and I can be ready to face it again. But alas! I have grown weary.

Marching on the travesties of work somehow made me a hypocrite from my real purpose. Of course, receiving good compensation is satisfying as it may be but the emptiness still seems to linger within. Thinking that I have absolutely nobody to share my morsels of triumph with, causing the loosening of my nuts and bolts may just let me end up being the culprit of my own demise.

Then come that glorious day. My awakening from my deep slumber, from temporary self – inflicted suffering known as dissociative hibernation (my own term). I may have cursed going back to forsaken homosexual wastelands but it is there where possibilities abound and potential love may arise (so I hope).

After dozens of reflections on how I’ve drawn the strings and how I plan to pull them off, I decided that I had to move on. A few months of self – butchery may already be enough so I can try to taste nirvana again, to rise above this occasion, to prance in grace after a hard fall flat on my face. The detoxification process from my once arduous ordeals in the realm of love has taken its toll on me and I suddenly get the big picture! I have been so alone…

Being the Sagittarian that I am, Lady Luck has not left my side. Tonight marked the day that I once again cross the seven seas, climb a thousand mountain peaks, hurdle against a dozen hideous storms and fight my own demons: all in the name of what they call love. And there goes my stubborn side, my somehow optimistic self pushes me to go on to fulfill my destiny because it is I that make my own. These scars I bear will not stop me for they are only mere skid marks of my shattered innocence and that they should be reminders of my hard learned lessons.

I am officially back in the circuit. But this time I’m gonna be bold, wiser, hard, tough, stronger, calm, cool and stay together. Mark my word. Period.

LESSON TIME!!!

If today was like to be seen under a piece of microscope, 'tis the day which needs to be heralded upon.

Today is so full of revelations and realizations. Things that would really make you think back of how your life has been. Well, I have... But then, like how?

One. Friends of length in time really do matter. Well, every relationship like it should start from somewhere but, nothing beats what's tested by time. And that you don't have to fuckin' please every single soul to get them. Period.

Two. This decision actually took its toll before it started to hit me (right on the face, that is). I finally realized what single blessedness actually means. I only need to worry 'bout what I have to eat, what to do or to either continue getting paid for work or not, at that. It's needless to fret about what to do, give, say or think on dates, if the other person is loyal or true or even feels the same way about you (at least) and the pains that actually come with it has brutally traumatized me. So why be the masochistic bastard that I have always been when I can always choose not to. Damn! Why didn't I realize that sooner? At least now, I can be safe. With everything that is. And I'm beginning to think of keeping it this way for a while. And by the way, I'm loving it! Right now, I think I can live with being AUTISTIC for a while. If I have problems, I don't turn to sex (anymore!). I'd rather to my family and friends who've always been there. Not for some sarcastic saddistic sons-of and bitches. Puhlease!

Three. Societal hierarchies do exist and it sucks to be under one! Fuck shit!!!

Four. I still want pride for myself. And I still have plans to keep it. Bury yourselves alive people, if you think otherwise.

Five. I do pay due respect for other people. And what the fuck is wrong with my patience? Am I impatient? I think I've matured much in doing things in life. Like list it:

a. I prioritize (funny, my mom didn't agree with me first)

b. I don't kiss other people's asses that much.

c. I don't do mañana anymore.

d. I make plans. And I do them!

e. I'm not that promiscuous anymore. I'd rather jerk off in my bed (where I'm safer with bed bugs! Tihee!)!

Six. Lastly but more importantly, I LIVE BY MY OWN RULES! So don't fuckin' bitch me around. Don't fuckin' make me say that twice because I won't. Sorry...

GO JAMIE!!!

GO JAMIE!!!

survivor guatemala cast!

yaxha!

nakum!

survivor guatemala bookmark

yaxha bookmark

nakum bookmark

TWATWAFFLED!!!

Things were really looking up today… Well, almost…

Before I got to work, which almost got me running in late (got in just in time!), I got to watch Survivor Guatemala via S23. Even if I was screaming out loud and cheering for damn Jamie over a 5”x5” black and white TV that my roommate owns (fortunately), I was so gratified to finally get to see my all-time favorite show. Yes, you can say that I’m an ultimate addict. HELL YEAH, I REALLY AM! So get over it... Hehe!

Then off to work and 15 minutes later, I missed the endorsement (again!) and got to have the stinkier patients in the ER ballroom. One in the morgue and the other about to follow the latter. Imagine having two expired patients within a shift? Not so hot.

The rest of the duty was beautifully benign. Up until less than half an hour before I got home when this patient’s relative telling me how long they’ve been waiting to get blood extracted. Go to the damn laboratory! Don’t fucking gouge your eyes out on me because you’re a doctor and you just needed to pound on somebody (which was me, by the way! surprise!). Arghhh!!!

Damn that drawfed-fat-old-froggy-lookin’-son-of-a-bitch! Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am not angry, thank you very much. I just wanna go kill him!!!

Anyway, tomorrow’s my day off and what do I have to do again? Slave off for Queen Yeye’s talent and screetch off to Dr. Maranan’s birthday bash and Ma’am Racq’s despedida. And I’ll go home sick and tired… ready to face another world of shit.

Well, I gotta live with it.

REGULATED!

Today almost deemed to be what they call us “one of them days.” Things started quite tolerable at work. I had like two admissions to start with. One for Internal Medicine and another for Surgery. There were no problems at the beginning but when I was about to transfer the patient to the wards, boom!

I‘ve always been diligent at work but when people cheat you, they burn your nerves to the ground. Imagine them telling me that I transferred the patient without confirming if it’s ok to do so. Argh!!! Maybe tell them that they forgot to their share of the work before I did so.

Then I go down to tend to another admission and a dozen more of out-patients, bored from the thought of what the rest of the hours may bring me, and… Poofff! I have my regularization contract! OMG!!! The fruits of my sacrifices! At last I get to be compensated for much of my work, to be rewarded for my real worth. To tell you, it’s been four months or so that I’ve been working ten times much graver than usual and I ended up being paid like a trainee. Now, it’s time to shine… financially maybe? Hehe…

Oh, good Lord, you have answered my prayers!

And even if the shift started to wind up the other way around: to forsaken toxicity, I was happy. And I’ll be, for the rest of the night. And tomorrow will be a brighter day…

ELECTROCONVULSED!!!

as per FRIENSTER post:

it's been quite a rollercoaster ride. ive have my fair share of turmoils and tasting sum peace and victory can be bittersweet. now what? a rundown of events maybe? y not?

1 been out from unemployment 4 the last 6 months, w/c brings me to...
2 havin worked my butt out 4 every burning day of 'em meanin
3 i had to start from scratch and pullin my way up to level again equals
4 takin risks and endagerin my professional, physical, mental, social & sexual life but...
5 got me nearin my regularization by october the 4th...whew!!!
6 i still love my marlboro's
7 venturing back into my extraculiculars, my passion: performing arts
8 congratulating myself for not being the promiscuous guy that ive always been for how long? 7 months and running...
9 mapping out my life in 4 years here in manila and maybe afterwards, abroad!
10 flirting my way into mainstream quality gay relationships: no PRC license no talk policy... hehe...
11 staying celibate as long as possible
12 continuing safe sex practice? hehe
13 loving my starbucks... love u coffee jelly frap!!!
14 being hardcore-ly addicted with SURVIVOR (can you hear that? it's the new Survivor Guatemala theme playing!)
15 keepin it low at OUR's, pumped up at CLUBBER'S GUIDE, fun at UZZIAH, funked at TIAMARIA's, heated up at FAHRENHEIT and leveled at NEWYORKCAFE
16 continue living the Emergency Room life...
17 finishing the NSD search as music/lights director and performer
18 probably starting to save?
19 or how bout a credit card maybe?
20 new lover perhaps? not in a while...
21 how bout reading a new novel.... robin cook?
22 buying a new gadget? appliance? new place?
23 starting with my Visa Screen Applications...
24 but finish my 2yr contract at MDH 1st
25 clinical instruction afterwards? maybe...
26 hitting my 500th friendster mark...
27 adobe audition=rock on!!!
28 compiled my 11-season survivor stuff cd with video intros, mp3s, pics, supersized logos and lotsa goodies...
29 boostin my ego
30 just got busy recharging...

UPDATE!!!

Things can definitely happen in a flash…

Almost less that a year since I came back to Manila post-board exams, I was technically penniless: jobless at the time. When I would stay all day in my bed and stay up all night smoking and doing whatever. Now, a few days and counting, I’ll be regularized at work (I have my fingers crossed).

What’s funny is how things how been churning up lately. I just ended up a presupposed relationship with this MRI technician guy, failed 2 of 3 of my ER evaluations before I finally made the cut and just a while ago, after having my medicals I end up being hypertensive. Thanks to a night of Venti Starbucks of Coffee Jelly Frapuccino with Maria and unexpected visitor (the culprit of a friendship-tester event), alcohol spree at Our’s Malate, only two hours of forsaken sleep because I was again asked to report earlier to work that I was supposed to and eight hours of toxic ground work in my profession.

ARGGHHH!!!

Now, while I’m typing this blog entry, I think my nape is aching, numb or warm. Or I’m just paranoid. I might be or else…

Yesterday, I completed organizing my Survivor files. Yes I am such a hardcore Survivor addict, ever since the first season begun. I have compiled mp3s, intro videos, wallpapers, supersized logos and photos from each and every season. Ask me anything and I’ll know. What bothers me is that I actually haven’t watched every single episode on TV. It’s either I’m busy or plain and simply because I don’t have a television to watch it with.

DARN!!!

It’s been quite a while since I was like a 173 pound piece of slob (during my physical exams pre-hiring). After some shitloads of gym time extra work at my job, I’m now what? 140 pounds. Surreal? Better believe it. Look at me!!! Hehehe…

What else… Nothing much though…

Just updating…

SELF-PROCLAIMED LOOSER...

Coming from work…

I was a bit happy… at least I’m slowly being accepted as a member of a group – ER’s. at least, I was feeling that I belong and that my efforts are being recognized… well, if you don’t know… I failed both of my previous evaluations… and I’m hanging on the wire… which may be barely there… ready to snap and I might hurt my self – bad, fallen. Forsaken… but then I hope my game plan is working.

Then off to the net store. I open my friendster, why I was so elated about hours before I got here. I read Mavi’s message – jealous of the pics.. I was not even in one of them.. I wasn’t there… I was having my duty… and Mavi didn’t push her plans of joining me at Madocs. It wasn’t supposed to be an issue. I am suppose to be manhid with such petty things – but… maybe. Siguro it was because, of Marc. I don’t know… I think I liked him… but hey.. he’s confused! Heck… I tried to flirt… No thanks… I tried but… Well, maybe I had a fight with Chris… I was alone, horny and loveless and wanted some lay… I don’t know…

This is BULLSHIT… Political suicide? – SEE? His words… ringing… and he still haven’t added me in his friendster. Arghh!!! Sour graping?

This is a time when I’d feel alone… and I’d pity myself… poor me…

Then tomorrow’s, I mean today is my day off. And Chris’ too. But I wasn’t able to call him because I was kinda toxic. We can go out but…. Hayyy… and another sigh… hayyy…

I haven’t posted in my blog for a while now.. thinking there’s nothing much to blab about… but hey… releasing all this fart and shit inside, being bloated with reklamos and all is in fact therapeutic…

Hell... I still feel bad… maybe I can hook up tonight, cruise… no… I’m a better person… hoping…

Dreaming…

Clinging to dear life…

SHIT!!!

No offense… I don’t hate anybody… I just feel this way with where I’m at now… hoping that later, after I woke up… it’s another day… with another me…

AND HERE'S THE WALLPAPER!!!

Jamie from S11: Yummy...

SURVIVOR GUATEMALA CAST PIC!

HEADLINED!!!

Damn PRETENSCIOUS burgis ng Pinas...When did you ever get the idea that people are interested about your day and the details of your life for that matter.You think Pinas can get an image-overhaul just for some burgis who talks as if he/she lives in a 1st world country.Nurse ka, pagdating mo sa ibang bansa...TAGA-PUNAS KA NG PWET.Mag-tagalog ka na lang...Kasi napaka-pretenscious nyo.Samantalang ang litrato ng bansa ninyo ay kalunos-lunos...Everybody knows where you get your pretenscious SENSIBILITIES,from watching" sex and the city"..and all this shows na supposedly can give a tinge of modernity sa mga pinoys, pero sa pagsasalita lang ito,,,ang katotohanan ay lugmok pa rin ang bansa at yun ang dapat mong ASIKASUHIN instead na puros PAGPAPANGGAP.Mag tagalog ka na lang ng MAKILALA mo ang sarili mo..

This is a message I got just when I got back home and was about to check my mails. And as if I wasn’t perked up enough for the night, I was feeling any shit about it. Offended? You must be kidding me. Well at least I want to clear myself out and try to point out a few (not really... a lot...) things this scumbag has gotten out its bag.

One. PRETENCIOUS: the creature who wrote the shitty masterfuck italicized above knows this better than I do. He hates the Philippines and downgrades it to hell… but he speaks Filipino better than I do… How convenient is that? Hehe…

Two. When did you ever get the idea that people are interested about your day and the details of your life for that matter. Is it me or what? Isn’t this supposed to end with a question mark? Structure-wise… well… Fuckin beside the point, I didn’t put up an online journal to please the masses. Or did I? hehe… Forgive me but my blog wasn’t created for nitwit’s self pleasure and mundane inhibitions.

Three. You think Pinas can get an image-overhaul just for some burgis who talks as if he/she lives in a 1st world country. Did I ever imagine myself living in one? Just not yet. Hehe… or did I ever put that thought in print? Or were you just trying to read my mind. Congratulations… You were just THINKIN OUT LOUD… hehe… And it's a HE.

Four. Nurse ka, pagdating mo sa ibang bansa...TAGA-PUNAS KA NG PWET. So? If that brings about comfort to my client why not? After carrying out the doctor’s orders and maybe giving out medications or other medical responsibilities, I would care about the personal hygiene of my patient. If you were a patient I hope you drown in your own pool of blood, urine, shit and puss. By the way, what job do you have? Or do you even have one? And if so, are you even licensed to? Hehe… Are you even happy with it?

Five. Mag-tagalog ka na lang... Kasi napaka-pretenscious nyo. I can speak Filipino. In vernacular, Marunong po akong magtagalog. So? You do, too. Double SO? NYO: You, too? And I don’t pretend… I live it out. Then read comment ONE.

Six. Samantalang ang litrato ng bansa ninyo ay kalunos-lunos... doubtful. If it was, how’d you know? Oh, you’ve been here, too. Hehe… And what an adjective? You talk as if you don't have any connection to this country. Shame on you. Maybe you're a child of two non-Filipino parents and you learned how to speak the language just by browsing over the Internet. Or you're just in plain denial.

Seven. Everybody knows where you get your pretenscious SENSIBILITIES, from watching" sex and the city"..and all this shows na supposedly can give a tinge of modernity sa mga pinoys, pero sa pagsasalita lang ito,,, Who’s everybody? Like generally everybody? Crap… Sex and the City, is that the only American show you know? I know a lot. I don't need to enumerate. I don’t only watch them… I relate… Modernity? Is that how you define modern? Blatant sexual frankness and promiscuity? Oh, come on… You can think better…

Eight. ang katotohanan ay lugmok pa rin ang bansa at yun ang dapat mong ASIKASUHIN instead na puros PAGPAPANGGAP. I am not philanthropic. Or am I? To your retarded atrophic brain, maybe. Why should I spend time doing such? That is not in my job description… or did you just THINK OUT LOUD AGAIN? Or maybe, FABRICATED it out, again. Hehe… Pagpapanggap… I don’t consider my work or my life falling in that category… not unless you subconsciously forgot what that word means.

Nine. Mag tagalog ka na lang ng MAKILALA mo ang sarili mo… I don’t see the logicin this sentence. I don’t think there’s even any. Is there? I know myself, and you don’t. Period.

Ten. I apologize for sounding defensive. Or maybe I think, therefore I am. But hey… thinking is free. I have the will to. It’s just that I’m THINKING OUT LOUD and you managed to hear, I mean read this. And again… READ THE BLOG TITLE!!!

And last words for you: PUTANGINA MO!!!

WAKE UP CALL!!!

It’s like 0300 hours. Wee hours, that is…

I came home from work today really tired. I logged out at 1330 hours. Why? My duty was toxic. I had like four admissions… (near 5 as the lowest quota for a day) and as usual, I had the most toxic of the patients. As if everything wasn’t enough, I had to endorse him to the ICU! BULCHAK!!! And earlier before the shift, I even had four medication care-offs. Na naman!!! Hehe… Sensya na po… Tao lang…

So I was exhausted… Fuckin wasted…

Then I tried to go to sleep after I got home. I did, but after an hour I woke up. I don’t know why…. Then I realized, where was my life going? I was killing myself…. Not with work though… but maybe… nah…

I thought, I was so fuckin promiscuous. Well ok… yes (now I can’t even think). Whatever it is or whatever it is that happened… I’m promising myself. No more gay sites, gay cruising or anything dirty at that. Not this time or even in the near future. Well, Ive gone quite empty-tanked for a while - hungry for love but then i said, single blessedness may benefit me for a while this time. I've been lookin but everything seems worthless. Maybe, not my time. Yet. I'll just stay put though. And probably enjoy myself more maybe. Just like what I read from a guy from downelink…

” I am a hopeless romantic. I would want to believe I'm a hopeful romantic, but the way things are, I am feeling kinda hopeless. hehe. Besides, it's more dramatic to be hopeless than hopeful. When I met my last boyfriend… I thought to myself, God, this is it! This is the guy whom I am gonna spend the rest of my life with. Then, suddenly… he announced he wanted to be an "astronaut". Well, not really! He said he wanted space! So at first, I kinda presumed he wanted to be an astronaut. He put on his spacesuit and went off to his new planet on board the spaceship of his new boyfriend. Meantime, back in my solar system, I am suddenly very aware that I was once again without a pilot. Hmmm? What to do? No pilot? Then it came to me. Auto Pilot! I will just have to let my spaceship do the driving and I can just sit on my ass and wait. I was once told by a very wise man (He died coz he forgot to breath), that the best way to pilot a spaceship is not to. Let your spaceship do the piloting and soon enough, a planet will find you. At the moment, I am kinda enjoying my space travel. Freedom can be oh, so sweet. But I know, no matter how vast the universe may be, pretty soon, i will bump onto a strange, wonderful planet! I am looking forward to staying put. And as for my spaceship... oh well, keep it in tip top shape, just in case...”

Now, that was kinda wise… maybe go out with him? Nah… I’ll probably just take his words… I won’t go into autopilot. I’ll probably just float around for a while. Not trying to look for a planet… I’m just gonna enjoy myself for a while (literally or figuratively? Maybe…). Who knows, a planet may bump into me one time. By then, I’d be ready…

WISH ME LUCK…

FINAL SUPERMAN LOGO!!! Superb!!!

PROUD WILLIAMITE!!!

RUTZUJI'S TRIBE

Next movie: Sin City 1

WAR OF THE WORLDS: Gotta see this tonight - with Dennis. Hmmm... Venue: SM City Cinema 5

muliti exposure: how about that?

polaroid-ed v3.0: latest!!!

polaroid-ed v2.0

polaroid-ed v1.0

BULLSHIT AND LOTS OF "EM

This is one of the lowliest parts of my life. Why?

Let’s start with Bull Shit…

I was like really happy and excited to go to work today, knowing that everybody would be happy to see good-old Russel. Well, this instance spearheaded the real paranoia and made me realize how B.S. things are. People in the room started making shit and throwing ‘em at me. Like I shouldn’t be there in the ER blessing and hell, I was so fat-faced to attend such when I feel that I don’t belong there. Thanks for the rub-in.

Then I finally got to talk to Sir Alvin. With all due respect to him and I’m so thankful for his advices. But the truth hurts. What truth? That people were backstabbing me. People seem nice and things like that but what’s the real score? They hate me to the core! He told me that people had comments about me being too outgoing. Well, that’s me! I won’t please every B.S. that comes in my way anyway. I was befriending everybody with all my heart and sincerity and what do I get? B.S.!!! I got comments so out from the enthusiasm they show me.

I got a 73 for my evaluation. Just tell me I’m fuckin’ dumb. Right to my face and I’d gladly accept it. Now tell it behind my back and you’re fuckin’ hitting below the belt. Now what the hell is the problem? I hate my group mates – a big bunch of hypocrites and shit. How can they tell me that I’m ineffective when they can even teach or coach me to be one? All they do is slave me around, sit all day, laugh along, pound me like shit and never even do an effort to show compassion and trust? I just plainly hate them!!!

Forgive me but my heart is shouting out right now. For all the sorrow and dismay and the feeling of incapacity beyond my own consciousness because I can’t be what they want me to be when they can’t even be supportive!

Is this the case of insecurity? Am I too better for them that people hate me again because of it? Crab mentality? How come people can’t be happy with the thought that they are with a good person? I never intended to be a malevolent person. I don’t wanna hurt people. I don’t wanna hate. But people just make me. Straight out!

I just wanna cry for wanting to shout out loud. This is killing me. If I don’t fuckin get over this I’d be damned. All I wanted was to be a better person. Was that too hard to ask? FUCK!!! I am so disappointed. What a life…

Thanks for the experience. Yes, I acknowledge. And fuck me for doing such. If I’m gonna be a better person, the dark lurks in and you’ll have a taste of my wrath. I just want the fuckin job! What else do you expect of me? Be Superman? Straighten out your act and I’ll do my shit.

I just envy my other batch mates in the ER who ended up with better people, lives and grades. I ended up with shit. Thanks for the initiative. Luck should get by right now… I wish and pray…

It all starts with trust. I have plenty of it and I regret for doing so. I just wanna take it all back right now. I hope you all good riddance…

Now, what to do? Destress… Don’t ask me what it’s all about ‘coz I aint blabbin’. Pieces of shit abound everywhere and I’m just happy that these people are much of them.

OUR'S MALATE: bagong tambayan? Last gig: together with Yeye - Yebah!!! ("Tipsy ako pare...")

FANTASTIC FOUR: Plainly Fantastic! Watched it at Rob's Place today...

PREPARE FOR "SUGO"!

DUH!!!

Just when I thought I was getting the hang out of my job, I end up near being busted.

I like the Emergency Room. Better than any other area in the hospital. Sure I hate the floors most, ICU second and everything else is B.S. Like, DUH!!! I thank God for having me there. Really… When I started there, everything was in place: I like the area, the staff and everything related to it. But this I least expected: when u start to immerse in it, you find all the nastiest realities in life. Of course I’m not complaining. It’s the best I got. Now what the hell in the world are my issues?

Am I too noisy? They say that I’m maingay. Duh! How do they even define that word? I talk. Yes, I speak quite loud. I was born to. I am a speaker and most of my previous jobs required me to: Customer Service Representative, Tour Guide and a stint as a Disk Jockey. Duh!!! I’m just a better speaker than anybody in there, that’s why they hate that. DUH!!!

Strike me fast. As if I’m being treated like a slave. Yeah, I’m a junior and I’m supposed to do most. Just stop rubbing it in, in every minute of my life. Duh!!! Then don’t boss around. They are my seniors but they are not my masters. Period! And teach me, not tell me I’m dumb because when you were in my shoes, you were worst. Damn!

Arghh!!! I just had to get these out or I’ll explode. Yep, I’ll buy that.

Now, where was I?

XMEN-III POSTER!!!

TAMI HOAG'S DUST TO DUST: Latest Finish... Two thumbs up.

BIRTHDAY SUIT!!! hehe....

WHAT TTHE FUCK!!!

What happened today? WTF!!!

First, I woke up really late. Imagine 1600H after my shift to 1100H the next day. Long shot. As Lane called it – hibernation. What a doze off. When I got to Cybertrip, I learned that Dane Paul is coming home this July. That’s a relief! At least I can get my hands on a stash of porno again… Hehe! Then in the evening, after watching Chicago which rocked slightly (hehe!)… Lane and I get home finding that there is no electricity! WTF!!! So we munched on La-las with vinegar. Yum!!! Then how are we supposed to cook the 6 pices of Lucky Me pancit canton?!? WTF!!! After eating a couple of packs, I inserted my SIM with Lane’s and got a message from Boy, a lover from Ilocos. Hmm…I had him call me and God, did I miss him badly. He told me he’d come by if he has time. I had an erection… hehe!!! Then is tried calling my old pals from MMG Dorm sa R. Papa. I learned a lot were not there anymore. Some even went home. WTF!!! Nothing much to do. So we decided we’d do the net na lang while waiting for the lights after calling in at Meralco reporting the shortage and complaining thrice. Tapos, tomorrow pala ay meeting ng dati king hood sa call center – vigil of the callboys and callgirls. Wala akong pera!!! Waahhh!!! WTF!!! Argghhh!!! Shit!!!

What’s coming in next?

ORIENTAL NAMES & FRIENDSTER PROFILE

Nothing new. Just wanna blog these:

My Japanese and Chinese names from internet name generators which should appear below:
Ryoushi Kanto Sadayoshi or Kanaye Yamashina
or Ruishen Dong
I still can't decide which...

Then here's a copy of what's on my Friendster Profile:

Gender:
Male
Interested in Meeting People for:
Relationship Men, Dating Men, Friends, Activity Partners
Status:
Single
Age:
22
Location:
Philippines
Zodiac Sign:
Sagittarius
Hometown:
area 2900
Occupation:
Emergency Room Nurse
Companies:
Manila Doctors Hospital, Manila Medical Services Inc., Teleperformance USA
Schools (Other):
Divine Word College of Laoag High, Saint Louis University, Mariano Marcos State University
Affiliations:
SURVIVOR PHILIPPINES (Yahoo Group), wEiRdFlIpPeRs!!!, The Sirmata, Phil. Nurses' Association, Williamite. Marianite, F, Netopia
Hobbies and Interests:
outdoors, theater, net, music, reads, movies, porno (kinda hehe!), men!
Favorite Books:
anything from sidney sheldon. all time favorites - CONSPIRACY THEORY, WHEN THE STARS SHINE DOWN & ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK which i just read... IT ROCKS!!!
Favorite Movies:
somewhere in time, all over the guy, american beauty, star wars, xmen, passion of the Christ, mindhunters, the pianist, the priest, il postino, Maritess & the superfriends!!! hehe...
Favorite Music:
i'm ecclectic - love anything frm RnB, alterno, new age, rock, pop, jazz, classic, jazz to trance & electronica
Favorite TV Shows:
SURVIVOR, (#1 nothing beats it); amazing race, (comes in 2nd); queer eye for the straight guy and other reality tv stuffs, queer as folk, boy meets boy, csi, sex in the city, will & grace and everything KAPUSO (hehehe! nyaks)

About Me:
ok... it's a new year: dos mil sinco... and what do i have in mind? it's a year for change and i welcome anything for the days to come. i might say that i have grown up a bit now... i don't know... doing life in a routine just sucked me off a bit in the past year... steering ahead... yield for i've come to drop the bomb right in front of you.. hehe..

things to do this year:
1. stick to my new year's resolution... live a healthy lifestyle... cut on alcohol and nicotine (currently on 10 sticks/day and mere absence of alcohol) and maintain IBW (status:153 lbs)
2. live like a nurse.. hehe...
3. start SURVIVOR GUATEMALA*I HAVE THE WHOLE SURVIVOR MP3S... IF U WANT A COPY.. JUST DROP ME A MESSAGE. (THERE GOES THE HARDCORE SURVIVOR FAN IN ME! HEHE)* and brace up for Survivor 12
4. delete promiscuity (ehem!)
5. embrace monogamy. hehe...
6. continue to be GAY and PROUD7
. add another hobby (ADOBE AUDITION, here goes..)
8. finish my 2yr MDH contact (dum, di, dum...)
9. get my MASTERS then teach afterwards...
10. start up with CGFNS, IELTS, NCLEX & VISA SCREEN (US here i cum!!!)
11. LOOK FOR A LOVER!!! i'm currently available.. hehe...
MORE TO COME....

*wanna know more? visit my BLOGSPOT @http://rhutzuji.blogspot.com/

Who I Want to Meet:
i wanna meet everybody... absolutely everybody. one night stands accepted. kidding! hehe. so i'll c everybody 'round.. peace out!
feel free 2 add me up!
araledlessur@yahoo.com

WEIRD FLIPPERS ON THE LOOSE!!! ASAN NA UNG MGA IBA?!?

SURVIVOR BOOKMARKS BY RHUTZUJI!

THE MANILA DOCTOR'S HOSPITAL 2005 BATCH 2 NURSES: Goodbye training, Hello floors and units!

IT'S (I'M) OFFICIAL!!!

Guess who’s landed?

I landed the job! Yippee!!! Where am I assigned? The area of everybody’s dream – the Emergency Room!

Last night, after I reviewed and did my laundry, I wanted to sleep real early so I can still review for my Evaluation Exam, which I had earlier today. Before going to bed, I prayed so hard that I get my dream job. Sure, I didn’t quite pass it (I’m short by 6 points… Hehe!) but lookie here. Look at what happened. After the barrage of exams, we get to have our area assignments. It was like a fuckin’ suspense thriller waiting for my name and my designation. I was perspiring real hard, cold clammy skin and the shit sacred out of me.

Floors, this and that. Person you and you… Where’s my name? I was hanging on my seat, on my breath, too. Then poof! “ER – three girls and one boy,” said Ma’am Joy. Fuck! I was waiting for …one gay… (Hehe!) “A real boy.” OMG!!! Where was I gonna be picked up from? Kangkungan? Jessica Beltran, Claire Ramos, then…

Russel de Lara, ER.

What the fuck!!! I made it!!! It was the happiest moment ever since my employment. After the dismissal, I called Mama and she was very happy for me. I sure was myself.

Tomorrow, 0600H – 1400H my ER duty starts and I’ll be good. Promise. Hehe! Three more months and I’d be regular. A blue ER scrub suit uniform, a real ATM-type ID and a raise – Yahoo!!!

Thank You so much Lord, Almighty…

RICHARD PRESTON:THE COBRA EVENT. Latest Finish. Two thumbs up!

7F (FLOORS) DAY 6

Last training day. And all was in chaos. Yes, I wasn’t late but I haven’t had any shut-eye. I was wwn so tempted to not report to work. I even tried to call Ma’am Joy to tell her that I wasn’t feelling really well. But when I tried calling, the NSO was a hotline. I thought that I might as well finish it then. Ten came another problem. There was only two of us – a Head Nurse who wasn’t acknowledging me and a pull-out who was pregnant. The the biggest of all them: I was given patients from 711F – 718F. Whaattt?!? I was praying under my breath.
So I went on, with no buddy and only someone who even told me, “Ba’t mo tinatanong ang mga yan? Alam ko ba lahat?” Duh!!! I was so disappointed. I was gonna suffer for eight hours or so. And my nightmares came crawling into reality. A trainee was in-charge of eight patients (add another two whom I wasn’t even aware that they were my patients) who only had a co-staff-sour-mouthing-I-shouldn’t-even-care-about-you-and-I’ll-wear-my-dyed-hair-in-a-ponytail-since-there-are-no-supervisors-around-head nurse. And my frustrations went on. Why give a lot more to a junior and less to a senior? I didn’t understand anything. I was like nobody that she was even happy to tell me to take my butt off from there if her staff (who she talks about badly with others) came in. With that, she was even eager to ask me for help. I wish I could help her tie her hair, put on her make up, eat her spaghetti within a decade so she’d be more than happy to have me there. Nothing personal but she basically sat there. I appreciated head nurses who did hands-ons and not only commands. Oh I almost forgot, she was a head nurse – she has a BIG head and she needed more space for it.
So I went on trying to didvide myself with different tasks, into different places and different superpowers. I tidied up my program in paper while she remarked on how I “lousily” did things and spent much of the time blabbing about other people (i.e. “Ang baboy ng pasyenteng yun.”) and other irritating remarks. I persevered my personal and bodily agony crumpled in external factors that were killing me. It was more than eight hours of Calvary.
By the end of the shift, I was cramming already. As if things weren’t nasty already, an intern even get me into a debate about a patient’s I & O. She could have done it herself if she wasn’t satisfied with what I did. She was shoving words into my face while I was scurrying through the charts past 1400H. After I finished things up, I hurried to go home because I was supposed to have an opthalmologic exam after my shift. Then they called me up again to tell me that I was supposed to handle two patients I wasn’t even told about. I ended up taking vital signs post duty. Then I even heard about a patient’s complaint about how I behaved in yesterday’s duty. The realtive presumably told the head nurse that I wasn’t myself during the shift. It was because he wanted me take care of his patient more than my other patients. He wasn’t the only. And I only had a pair of hands, feet and one bulk of brain. I wonder what he was thinking, noting that it was his father that I even gave special attention to during the shift (I accompanied him to the eye room and stayed). Whooaaa!!!
I was so stressed out. I just wanted things gotten over with. It did! Past 1500H. And I was too wasted. If there’s one sure thing right now, I’d die if I ever get to the floors again…

8F (FLOORS) DAY 5

Today, I woke up really late. I hurriedly prepared for work and was worried that I’ll be crucified at the Nursing Services Department. When I got there, I was like really nervous but in contrast, everybody was happy and thankful because I can then be pulled out to 8F which I presumed should be under heat again (thanks to understaffing…).
When I stepped on the unit’s floor, everybody was happy again for the company. More nurses = less workload. It always made sense. I was then more than happy to know that Miss Grace, a co-trainee was also there (I relieved Miss Michelle who called in sick earlier). I missed the endorsement but was considered on board for the shift. I was then given six patients. Well, I first thought it was too much but it was worth the try. I used my own paper format again. What’s good is that it always worked. I wasn’t too hard up with my duty today but I really hated the lag betweek chores. After the vital signs and medications, you gettime to sit down and browse through things. The problem about me is that once I get my engines running and my adenaline pumping, I should not stop or something or my energy suddenly plummets down, then I feel really tired, energyless. This happens when I get into the floors. Just when I was getting the hang out of the floors, I feel bad about it.
Well, I went in through the duty fit and good. It’s even heart warming to note that I was helping the staff out (it’s hard to see that Sir Arvin, the head nurse himself personally does the changing of linens). The whole staff was really friendly, Ma’am Gay, Ma’am Che, and Sir Alvin. They even call me by my first name (hehe!).
It’s the last day tomorrow. Hope things end up good. I have my fingers crossed…

7F (FLOORS) DAY 4

First day in 7F. I was kinda bit excited about having to run away from my tragic and frustrating experience yesterday and opening up to another. This time, I should be alone with no other co-trainee by my side or within my normal span of vision or immediate space. And no students too. Argghh!!!
When I got to the site, things were fairly well, but a little too warm. I was perspiring and made me uncomfortable. Then the endorsement followed. I tried jotting things down but the nurse was too fast, it was hard catching things up. I had no idea whatsoever. I decided to relly on the KARDEX and the charts if ever. Then something caught my attention, this bedside nurse wasn’t listening to the endorsement. Well, she does work there so she should now things there anyway but I thought, she should be listening too. Then came the rounds, then the designation of patients and buddy. I was paired up with Ma’am Jocel, the bedside nurse I was talking about earlier. I said to myself, “God help me.” She then gave me three patients. During the duty, she started talking to me and telling me how I can get my job done faster and easier. What? My first impression was wrong. She was friendly and really helpful. She was with me all the time. I’ve learned how to flush the IV, follow up lab works through phone, encode by myself using MedSys and other tips to do this fast but sure.
During the duty, I breezed through the tasks. I wasn’t being pressured by the staff, I was almost too welcome and this helped me boost my confidene again. With it, I was more than too happy to help out with other things in the ward. In summation, this day got me back on Game Mode. Nothing really beats good service accompanied by a conducive environment.

now that's a collage!!! love you tom!!!

From the Greatest Survivor ever: Tom Westman (Survivor 10: Palau)... courtesy of http://www.tom108.com/

4F (FLOORS) DAY 3

The third and final 4F day. Was exactly a minute before time. Buddy = Ma’am Chris (oh bummer). Charge = Ma’am Dory (at least). There were Manila Doctors College Nursing Students again and incoming third year students they were. I’ll be happy with the vital signs, thanks to them.
This time, I wanted to organize things. So I came up with a paper divided into four columns – patient data, nursing considerations and special procedures, medications and the vital signs. It was actually helping me out with this other new set of five patients. I was managing my time wisely and wasn’t walking around too much to waste my energy. I referred to the charts and kardex and not solely to the endorsement. Then I checked the orders and readied my medications. After that came my personal rounds which included introduction of myself and their assessments as well. Then came in the vital signs (I still took one for my pediatric patient), medications and documentations. The same cycle should come after we had our early lunch. I was breezing in through my duty. Thirty minutes before time, I was near finishing my charts. Then came in an admission. A staff tried delaying it. When the patient finally came in, less than 15 minutes before 1400H she told me to admit the patient. I wasn’t done with my tasks yet. I only had enough time for my patients I had in my program. Of course, I can’t decline. I tried but I thought it would be disrespectful. I admitted the patient and ended up almost an hour after. It’s a good thing the relieving shift told me they’d help. I had nothing against what happened but it was just that it felt like I was being pushed around while that staff was hurrying to go home and I was doing what she was supposed to do. What’s worse, she even left me. I felt really horrible that I was near tears. I can do things but should be given ample preparation and support not just to be left alone suffering under unknown territories. Well, I am being baptized…

And just when i was having my life grinded through the sewer because people were intoxicating me at work, an angel pops in! Dane Paul, my gay bro send me an email containing the goodies from the disk above... WOW!!! Thanks Dane! Lav Yah!!!

My cuz JOYLYNN (one with the Hang Loose sign - love that!)... also an RN came home less than a month ago.. God i miss her... here she is with her pals from the Big Island.

4F (FLOORS) DAY 2

Part II: 4F. I was just on time for this duty. I attended the endorsement. No (cute…) students for the day. Boring. Well, I tried not to show it and tried to keep myself afloat. But five patients shook me up. It’s not that I can’t carry on with that. I was just not used to it. Well, I had to be. This time, I was paired up with Ma’am Chris. She was a bit strict and uptight compared to Ma’am Dory. She talked less and showed enthusiasm less. It almost killed me and I wasn’t planning to end up in the Psychiatric ward of Mental Hospital in Mandaluyong. Things went in normally even if my duty was challenging me with things and tasks entirely different from yesterday. Yes, today was different. I had more work, less support. I wasn’t gonna be defeated. I went on to work. Good thing other staffs were ready to help, Five patients was still running a shock on me. So I took care of my patients: gave their meds, followed up their therapeutics and diagnostics, hands on transfer of patients, documentation, answering calls and even came on head to head with a last-minute admission. Sure they helped me, I was learning (my brain pounded on too hard) but things should have been gradual. Baptism by fire? It was tiring but I was still able to learn despite the pressure. I slept immediately after I got home.

4F (FLOORS) DAY 1

4F: Day One. It wasn’t really scared at all to go to the floors as an area for my duty. Why? Because I’ve been there before and I’ve conquered the fear of being much too “toxic.” So I thought…I was with Ms. Hannah Chua in the unit. I was actually late for the shift. The day before that, I was in the afternoon duty and I went home to Marikina to tend to my Uncle’s medical needs. So? I didn’t get to sleep. I went in “bangag” but it’s a relief knowing that an angel in green and white can lend a hand anytime. I was saved. When I got to the floor, relieving and on – duty nurses, students, doctors and a lot of other people were in there. I buddied up with Ma’am Dory who was very helpful with whatever bothered me. What was much troubling me was the fact that when the patient is endorsed to you, you do everything for the patient. Meaning = he or she is your responsibility. Now, no space for any screw-ups. Before in the floors, I observed only or did the vital signs or just helped out. Now, I was gonna do complete nursing care, including medications, procedures and even the documentation (thanks to the students for the vital signs). I acknowledged the challenge. I was given three patients and things turned out well. I was able to do my job even with some hurry-ups and crash courses here and there. I even tried to do some bedside teaching with the students. And the deed was fairly appreciated by the students andtheir Clinical Instrtuctor. So, I was learning and also imparting some knowlwdge in return. Overall, the duty was okay.

ER DAY 4

Last Day for ER! Well if it was gonna be the last day, it better be good. Or better yet, be the best.As if I wasn’t expecting much, the last part of our ER exposure sure proved to be the party that ends all parties. It was at this day that I finally got the hang out of things. I learned to manage time efficiently that every task I did wasn’t going against my way – it’s like having mastered things that I can have fun in every possible minute, I knew people in there very well that I was already getting along with everybody – never mind how frustrating or tasking emergency work can be if you know that some can back you up with every possible support without having to sacrifice the safety and integrity of the patient and most of all, I was learning hard and fast that retention was being facilitated with ease. Imagine doing the entire unimaginable tasks in the ER done in the past few days in a confident manner. It was at this time that I finally got to learn almost everything – attending to the patient, taking the baseline data (personal and vitals), referring to the members of the health team, carrying out nursing responsibilities, wholesome emergency patient care and endorsing to other health team members. All in a manner too smooth that you’re happy and confident and at the same time, you loose track of time – by the time you check your timepiece, the day comes to an end again.And things had to end – the exposure was coming to a close. The feeling took time to sink in. By the time the shift ended, the adrenaline rush was still there but by the time I stepped out of the hospital, I was getting nostalgic. It’s hard having to leave a place you’ve learned to become skilled, gain knowledge of at and love. Well who knows, I just might be granted a comeback… permanently! (Uhmm, paging Ma'am Joy Gorospe, please hear me out... hehe!)

now here's the survivor guatemala logo...

SURVIVOR GUATEMALA: THE MAYA EMPIRE!!!

ER DAY 3

Emergency Room: third day. This time around, I was getting closer to falling in love with the unit. I started out exchanging smiles and greetings with everybody that I’ve known there for the past few days. And I hope they were enjoying my presence there as I was with them. This kind of professional relationship actually helps me get through the day with confidence at an utmost professional level. Imagine being able to do your daily tasks with a ready palm right around the corner. This did boost my self-esteem. I went in to work without any hesitation and tried really hard to join the knowledgeable pack of medical professionals. My tasks for the day widened and varied more from adult nursing to pediatric nursing, benign to toxic, a simple fever to a complicated vehicular accident. It wasn’t too much for me because I was enjoying and doing things with great ease and confidence amd of course, doing things right.Today, I learned how to properly prime IV tubings to prevent air bubbles, carry out orders, go through things in MedSys, communicate and carry out interdependent medical procedures, ask help from interns, residents and physicians nicely, assist effectively in a minor operation, do ER sundry, assist patients and even locate ER gadgets and others. Day by day, ER knowledge grows wider and deeper and the more it does, the more I appreciated the area and love it as well especially if I can be considered an asset for the department. The qualifications may be high but as the days go by, I strived two-step harder to gain as much expertise from the exposure – the core reason why we are rotated from one area to another. But then, I might consider bias for the area I’ve always loved, showed inner strength for, dug my brains out and lived to endure and contribute with – the ER. But nevertheless, my intentions are sincere. Hope to have more days (or months, even years) to stay there…

ER DAY 2

It was Day Two in the ER. This time around, I went in for the afternoon duty. I was more than excited to know how the PM shift fared with emergency. After Sir Wayne, I was left quite alone. I went through the duty with minds shared by Sir Isko and Sir Omeng. Well, I wasn’t that much given importance because the two girls in my shift took all of the attention among the majority of the staff: male nurses (Bell and Jess… hehe, I wasn’t that envious though). I tried to do things on my own, learned them on my own, fast and hard. When I needed some help, the guys gladly gave in anyway.It was at this time that I did an ECG all by myself (without ruining a single paper), inserted an IV catheter with just one hit after two years or less of practice (compliments of Sir Isko), admitted a patient, endorsed a patient to the wards (thanks to Sir Omeng), assisted in a minor operation (suturing), took vital signs more than I can handle in a shift on the floors and acquaint myself more with my new environment. I chewed on standard operating procedures and took bites into hospital policies.I handled many cases that sometimes, I didn’t know how to go along. This was a difficulty I encountered, I’m attending to this then I’m asked to do another. What went in mind was that if I was an ER nurse already, I’d have all the time and liberty to attend to patients the moment they entered the ER door to the time they are discharged or referred to other departments. By that time, I would be focusing on the patients designated to me, I assisted and admitted and not having to go through a lot of unrelated things. I just wanted focus and not going through the same thing again as a trainee. Since I am a trainee, everybody in there could just ask for my help since I wasn’t giving much attention patients. I gladly gave in to anybody who asked for support and that left me disorganized. Imagine: carrying out the doctor’s orders for a certain patient I’m attending to, then I’m asked by another to do something for her, for another patient. How can I finish my tasks then?Anyway, comparing to ICU and floors, I loved the variety of managements and techniques applied in the ER. I didn’t enjoy much of stagnation and being too lax maybe. Right now, I wanna indulge myself more with knowing everything about ER Nursing. I just love the passion that pumps every muscle and hormone in my body. I loved exercising alertness amidst adrenaline high. That training would be much helpful for someone who wants to excel in this chosen profession – ME.

ER DAY 1

First Emergency Room day. I was supposed to be on the afternoon duty but I went in for the morning shift because I had personal things to attend to in the afternoon. That decision gave me no regrets. Why? Because in was only in the morning shift that the trainees were given a tour around the unit and a thorough orientation with the ER operations which the next shift didn’t have. So how’d it go? Ma’am Lannie, the charge nurse for the day toured us around the place and how things went in there everyday. We were showed where things are located, how things worked in there like how to administer ECG, IV fluids, ER charting and other things. Then came in the endorsement which jumpstarted the whole day with an overall preview of what’s gonna happen in the day. She even gave us tips on how to land the ER job which pumped up my adrenaline. I was getting really excited.The followed the real thing. I was paired up with Sir Wayne. I went on around with him at my back and taught me a lot of things firsthand like having my first ECG ever, administering drugs, handling a code and admitting a patient among others. Sir Alvin, the area manager was also of big help with his knowledge. It was exhilarating to finally do the things I liked and did best back in college – ER Nursing. I liked the area because I loved the idea of giving immediate and emergency care to patients. I always got to see most of the cases and got overviews about a variety if situations and diseases and how they can be managed. Another plus is that I engage too much that I always lose track of time, I wouldn’t even know that my shift is already over.How it went as the day lifted off was really mellow, well-learned and appreciated. Of course we were expected to do much of the things everybody did in there but I was more of observing how things went on in a typical day. But then as the emerging time went on, I found myself doing things an ER nurse would just do. I was doing things like everybody did! It was refreshing to note that I was actually immersing myself in. And the great thing is that I was learning and I was enjoying it. I actually did not get much sleep prior to my duty but I didn’t actually get to feel too drowsy or tired. By the end of the shift, I was still pumped up. I was looking forward for the next days.

FIGHTING MY DEMONS...

It is in me. It is innate.

It is strong. It is overwhelming.

It is starting to annoy me. It’s getting on my nerves. Fuck you!

Impulsive and easy-going I am, it has been really hard for me to fight my own battles. Besides, it was easier to give in. I took no sweat. But how it has been going was not for my benefit. It was against me and I was having me own hell in Earth. Living like how it was eating me alive, whole. It was leaving me with nothing. I was destroying my life. I was doomed.

But like how life is, as long as life id plausible, chance, change and hope is feasible. Am I am in a journey to make that endeavor a catalyst to prolong my life and make me what I want to be. It is hard but I had to. I wanted to. And I’m doing it.

Every time boredom strikes, the first thing that comes to mind is sex. It has always been endearing. And when the urge sets, I look. I cruised. I was at the high of my gay life. I was risking myself, the only treasure I can call my own – my health. It hasn’t been too long since talks about the dreaded disease – HIV/AIDS had been going around. It was in my seminar, my classmates talked about it and it seemed as if I wasn’t giving too much thought about it. Then I thought, it was God telling me to take a turn back to abstinence, or at least safe sex. Early yesterday, I wanted to go cruise but the thought and the urge was set back for the fear of contracting any STD. I feared it. I could take everything from me – my life, my future, my all. It struck again this afternoon, and I was fighting the battle. I won.


I have always been conscious of how I looked. It’s not amusing to be fat. It has been early this year when I got to know about Men’s Health. Somehow it helped me redirect my views and straighten my path. I’ve been hitting the gym regularly and I’ve been seeing results. It’s astounding to see changes in my body that more or less keeps me contented and distracted from bare thoughts of looking less desirable. When I see people now, I don’t look down because I didn’t have the body I’ve always wanted. Now, I look straight up head because there are no flabs, I’m beginning to have popping arms and my shoulder and back are defined. Now on to the chest, which should be done in just about a year or less.

Now, I don’t have a lover. I’m loveless. Loveless = no sex life. It should be degrading but thinking optimistically, without it I have more time and focus for work and I am safer health-wise. Love shouldn’t be in a hurry and it’s not a priority, it will come, I’m getting read for it and it should be a blast. Besides, I don’t plan to end up with someone lesser that my profession… hehe! I know someone is out there and I’ll be ready for him.

I’ve always been insecure about my status. I have already graduated and a professional. I hate to ask any assistance from my folks. It is degrading. Somehow, it is embarrassing to do so. I wanna start from scratch, from my own. I may not have a cellphone, or a laptop, or MP3 player but someday, I’ll have them. I’m working on it literally and figuratively.

More might come, but I’ll be ready. I’ll kick your stinkin’ butt out before you even come any inch closer. You bet I will!

Now, back on track. I am, it should stay that way and I plan to keep it that way. God help me…